Review: Agent Provocateur - Kicks/Spinning Remixes

Artist: Agent Provocateur
Title: Kicks/Spinning - Remixes
Format: 10" Single
Label: Wall of Sound
Catalogue Number: WALLT004R
Year of Release: 1995

It's going to be hard writing about a pink 10"er without slipping into innuendo (see what I mean?). What will make that task a little easier is the fact that this record is truly, truly bad - and it is a truth universally accepted that it's easier to write a bad review than a good one.

The A-side is by far the worst of the two tracks, Kicks. I can't comment on what Artery has made of the original of this track in his remix duties here, never having bothered to track it down, but he would appear to be of the school of remixers that breaks a track down into about 6 constituent loops, then rebuilds the track using those loops, and a couple of annoying vocal samples ("Yeah!" is one, a comic-horror laugh is another). In case it isn't clear how this works, I've come up with the following handy illustration:

Loop / Bar

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

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13

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28

repeat

Bassline

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

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X

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until

Drums

X

X

X

X

X

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X

X

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audience

Perc.

X

falls

Guitar riff 1

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asleep

Guitar Riff 2

X

X

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X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

or dies

Annoying Vocal 1

X

X

whichever

Annoying Vocal 2

X

is quicker

Put a bit of synth over the track at the end, and some delay effects, and Bob is your remixer. It is crushingly dull. I hope Artery got well paid, for what must have been a good half-hour's work.

Spinning is better, but that's akin to saying being kicked in the stomach is better than being kicked in the face. Mekon is on remix duties here, and makes something more interesting to listen to than the 'by numbers' approach of Artery. The vocal sample here is the line "Come bend open bottle tops with me" that features on the front sleeve. I used to think this was "break open bottle tops..." which would be much more fun. Merely bending them suggests the illicit opening of purloined bottles of lager on fences, walls, or occasionally, teeth.

In fact, it's the combination of tooth-related teenage bottle-opening and not being paid for my paper round for having eaten too many sweeties that has left me with the marvel of modern dentistry that is the inside of my mouth today. Breaking bottles, now you're talking petty vandalism, and the female vocalist sounds like she'd be up for a bit of that.

I remember that I really used to like this tune. And I thought it was much faster than it actually is. Perhaps it was the novelty, Big Beat being a new genre in 1995. It sounds slow now, and a bit dated.

It's a Chemical Brothers B-side; a Fatboy Slim tune without a decent sample or a dozen breakdowns; it's a drum beat, some punk-y chords, and an invitation to drink on a street corner.

By far the best thing about this record is its luminous pinkness, which is a joy to behold. I will get more pleasure from looking at this record in future than ever playing it.